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I just feel like putting something forth, because I can't really explain to my sister how I feel.

I want a job. Like, I really want a job, something that I don't absolutely fucking hate (like the brief soul-death of the Call Center I was in like, 10 months and nearly killed msyelf). I can't get a job because the world economy is a mess, so i though I could work as an English teacher for a while. I don't--I don't hate it, but it doesn't make me happy, the money's not good at all, and it demands a lot of time. I'm not satisfied. It's not enough.

And this is the problem, here. I mean... why isn't it ever enough? I don't imagine myelf working in an office for the rest of my life... I want to be a writer, I want to be free to travel and live my life at my own rhythm. Is that insane? I'm sick of people dictating how I'm supposed to live my life. I graduated college because my parents insisted, and now that I have the degree, it's good for absolutely nothing. I kind of feel robbed, with that. Conned. Wasn't a degree supposed to fix everything? What did I waste 4 years of my life to be one of the top averages of my graduation class for?

I'm 24. 'I don't hate it' and 'it doesn't make me fucking miserable' shouldn't be sufficiently satisfying ways to describe my life. I feel cheated. I wish the world stopped giving everyone ideas of how the life of a young, successful professional woman should be, because hello: your ideas are skewed and mistaken.

I feel--cheated. By the world. In general.

Now what I wonder is whether my feeling of not being satisfied is just a passing bad moment that I'm currently stuck in, or just... you know, a general permament state of existence. I want to be happy one day, I want to, you know, stop a second randomly at some point of the day and be able to say 'life is good. Right now, right here, I'm happy.'.

That's not what I feel right now, and it worries me.

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monstrousregiment

December 2011

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